what is the cost for an hour of happy? 1 for 1 – 2 for 1??

I reach out to all for the acceptable number of hours of guilt, pain and suffering that must be done to pay for an hour of happy and peace.  Cleary this is self induced yet I have now discovered, no acknowledged in my never ending therapy that is the only way I am going to allow myself to have some happy moments.

Like many I always thought the goal was to have a happy LIFE.  Don’t you hear this all the time?  What do want?  Why did you cheat?  Why do drink?  ..Survey says:  I just want to be happy.

To my amazement and beyond disappointment, my counselor has informed me LIFE is not happy.  Happiness is a symptom or after effect of an activity, a moment, a meeting – an event in life that made you feel happy.  Life is messy.  Life is sad. Life is hard.  The goal for LIFE to be happy I have decided is an expectation that sets you up for disappointment.  Does any of this make sense?  No?  Well let’s go on to where this really started.  I feel guilty when I feel happy.  I feel guilty because I moved to a beautiful place live in a beautiful house and I can do that ONLY because I am no longer funding my daughter’s life.   I am not paying for her apartment, her doctors, her food, her wardrobe, a replacement wardrobe because she walked out of another place with no clothes, another treatment center..you get the idea.  I actually am spending money on myself and her younger sister and living in a great place and yet out of 62 days here, I have probably really only allowed myself 5 happy days.

Last week, I signed up for a pottery class.  It is something I have wanted to go back to since I was 14 years old AND I might actually be good at it.  It was by far, the best 3 hours of my life in the last 5 years.  It is probably one of 3 moments in the last 7 years that I truly did not think about her or anybody, but mainly I did not think for one nano second about her.  I can’t even begin to describe the euphoria..yes..euphoria.    That was Thursday at 4:00 in the afternoon.   I have been sad, bitchy, edgy and GUILTY for every hour since Friday am after not sleeping.  Why you ask?  Because my daughter is sick..because I have no idea where she is or how she is.  Because I saw she was online Friday night and Saturday night and know she could see me yet ignored me.  Not a word..not a peep..not a sound.  It makes me cry again as I write this.  So the dog chasing her tail circle continues.  The guilt – I’m the mom, she’s an addict and it’s all my fault.  OH MY GOD…could someone seriously just put me down now?

How long is enough?  How miserable do I need to be before we are even?  How long do I need to do penance because I did something – missed something – didn’t do something which is why she is the way she is..which is why she hates me..which is why now, conveniently after the ATM closed down she won’t speak to me.    I am not in control.  I was an ego maniac to think I did and yet…..Day 5 so far for 3 hours of happy.   Happy from doing something I think I could be in love with.  An activity that brought me happiness.

Are you as embarrassed for me as I am?   The ratio currently is 6.47 days of misery to .53 days of happy.    Clearly someone is not done with therapy?

Thank you for anyone who is listening.

P.S:  My new house in Florida has a swimming pool.  I have loved loved loved to swim…only to be punished with swimmers ear!!  Seriously???  You have to wonder.

I love you Lindsay.  I miss you so very much.  Can’t you please find your way home?

 

 

 

What would you do or give to get bring someone back? to have on more day?

Have you seen the new shows out right now?  Resurrection – Choices???  don’t know the name but the bottom line is what would you be willing to do to bring your child back from the dead or someone you loved back to life?   Well I know the answer – ANYTHING.  I would give anything, have given everything, have done anything anyone told me to do and would keep doing it at any cost to get her back.  She is the living dead.    The television shows are just fantasy and or something you probably dream about if you have buried a child.  For me, a mother of an addict an alcoholic that I cannot seem to reach – who does not want to be clean – I would do anything and the sad thing is it’s killing me.  

I read other blogs and stories of people in recovery and they all say the same thing, they wanted it – they made the decision and they went through hell to get there.  Why doesn’t she want it?  If she had cancer wouldn’t she let me take her to the best cancer doctors in the world to get rid of it – to make her better?  And she knows I would.  So WHY CAN SOMEONE please explain to me why she won’t let me help, why won’t she go to get better and why does she hate me so much for trying?  She is sick – she is my daughter – I love her so much – WHY can’t I get her back?  Why can’t I just let her go?  Why can’t I just let her die?  BECAUSE I am her mother, her mom, her protector and I failed.  I can’t seem to move on without her.  It seems so wrong like I am abandoning her yet didn’t she abandoned me, her sister – herself?    Is it really evil that has taken her?

I almost think it would be easier if she had cancer or something terminal, we tried every cure possible and she did die.  Then unlike the shows there would truly be nothing else I could do but grieve and choose whether I would go on or not.  With a daughter who is not in recovery, every day you have a chance or you think you do as a mom to save her and every day you lose.  She continues to get closer to death.

It seems hopeless and I just don’t know how to let it go – to let her go.  I love you Lindsay.  I wish you were here. xoxoxo  Mommy

I swear I would not talk about her but once again – it’s all about her ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

When does it finally get to be just about me, about Cal, my youngest daughter.   Cal and I recently made the move to Florida.  It was time for some sun, healing and having a life that belonged to us and about us.  I decided, against my better judgment, to invite what few people we know to a BBQ.    Cal and I agreed BEFORE they come over, NO talk about the sister’s addiction, the recent failed intervention and subsequent traumatic fall out that followed.  NOPE, just about us, happy time, good times it will not be about her AGAIN.

The first guest arrives, a new girlfriend with a few children, one being Cal’s age so he comes along.  Might be a new friend prospect for her.  10 minutes in what are we talking about…YES THE PRIZE GOES TO, her psychotic drug addicted daughter and my addict/alcoholic daughter, followed with the oddly competitive “who has had it worse, crazier and how much money was lost”.

OMG I wanted to shoot myself.  Is this what the rehab counselor meant about family addiction to the drama?  A year ago I would have said yes about the drama but today, based on my response and Cal’s, we just are not done talking about her, about the hurt, the why and God how I want to hurt her as much as she hurt us but PLEASE why don’t you come back?  I HATE THAT circle.  I love you Lindsay, I miss you so much I cannot breathe some times, I want to hurt you hard, make you suffer the pain that we have over and over again and dammit how can you post funny things on facebook when you know we are suffering so much.  Why doesn’t it bother you?  WHY WON’T YOU LOVE US ENOUGH TO GET SOBER and be a sister – be my daughter.  WHY don’t you LOVE US?  That really is what the bottom line is, why don’t you love us and why did you leave us for a bottle?

Nobody win’s in this circle of crazy.  You have a moment when you do the old “fake” ..fuck her, I don’t need her, thank God she’s gone…we don;t need this shit right back to …God I wonder where she is, why did she leave and why didn’t we fix it?

I love you Lindsay, sissy misses you so much and is back to crying every day wondering why you don’t lover why did you leave her?  I am back to I don’t know what else to do and why do you hate me?

How do we make the pain stop?  How do we make peace with letting her go when we know she’s still here?  Which leads to my next blog – How do we grieve for her when she’s right here?

Goodnight to all.  I love you Lindsay and I hope you are safe tonight.  Mommy xoxoxo

Day 7 – It’s been one week since the “intervention”

After 8 long years, I am now in the first week of my new “relationship” with my daughter.  I have spent the last 11 years trying to manage the never ending issues with my daughter.  It started with little lies at the age of 10.  At the time, they were inconsequential.    If I knew then….., but of course I didn’t.  From all accounts, no one ever does.    I didn’t know then that it was only the beginning.  She followed the lies with the cutting and the first round of counselors and therapists.  Only to be followed by the first IOP.  Is it me or do any other parents like me hate the fact that I know what IOP, PHP, residential care, out patient care means?.  And sadly the list, which represents the attempts, never ends.  There is always another brilliant idea I have to save her.  Always another $100  $1000 $5000 that somehow will “fix” her – make her want to get better – make her want to live.     It’s been 8 years since the first Intensive Outpatient Program.  I think we all know, if she had decided she really wanted to live, I would be here…..trying to explain myself – trying to somehow make peace with the guilt, the pain, the sadness and pain in my heart that just never leaves.  I wake up to it, I walk around with it and I say goodnight to it, every day, every week, every year.  I hope this blog is going to help me start to live.  I hope this blog will somehow make both of us better.