2day In Sobriety

You give me hope …. I pray my baby girl who is 25 grows up to be like you ūüôā

Good2begone

It’s fairly easy to write about sobriety when things are going well.

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The wife doesn’t want new shoes.

The kids aren’t flipping me off behind my back.

No dog poop on the hardwood.

Free donuts abound.

Days like that it’s great to be sober…..and even better to write about.

No problems here. Can’t wait for tomorrow…until then I will just keep breathing in the new car smell as I drive, care free, to the job that I love!

Ahhhh….those days are grand.

Most days aren’t like that.

Today was nowhere near that.

1 hour into my workday, I had the pleasure of riding with the newest employee to our towns botanical gardens, otherwise known as the landfill.

As we walk towards his truck, he says,

‚ÄúDon‚Äôt say anything about what is in my truck.‚ÄĚ

Which my ever so delicate reply was,

“I don’t give a f$(k what’s in your truck…

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what is the cost for an hour of happy? 1 for 1 – 2 for 1??

I reach out to all for the acceptable number of hours of guilt, pain and suffering that must be done to pay for an hour of happy and peace.  Cleary this is self induced yet I have now discovered, no acknowledged in my never ending therapy that is the only way I am going to allow myself to have some happy moments.

Like many I always thought the goal was to have a happy LIFE.¬† Don’t you hear this all the time?¬† What do want?¬† Why did you cheat?¬† Why do drink?¬† ..Survey says:¬†¬†I just want to be happy.

To my amazement and beyond disappointment, my counselor has informed me LIFE is not happy.¬† Happiness is a symptom or after effect of an activity, a moment, a meeting¬†– an event in life that made you feel happy.¬† Life is messy.¬† Life is sad.¬†Life is hard.¬† The goal for LIFE to be happy I have decided is an expectation that sets you up for disappointment.¬† Does any of this make sense?¬† No?¬† Well let’s go on to where this really started.¬† I feel guilty when I feel happy.¬† I feel guilty because I moved to a beautiful place live in a beautiful house and I can do that ONLY because I am no longer funding my daughter’s life.¬†¬† I am not paying for her apartment, her doctors, her food, her wardrobe, a replacement wardrobe because she walked out of another place with no clothes, another treatment center..you get the idea.¬† I actually am spending money on myself and her younger sister and living in a great place and yet out of 62 days here, I have probably really only allowed myself 5 happy days.

Last week, I signed up for a pottery class.¬† It is something I have wanted to go back to since I was 14 years old AND I might actually be good at it.¬† It was by far, the best 3 hours of my life in the last 5 years.¬† It is probably one of 3 moments in the last 7 years that I truly did not think about her or anybody, but mainly I did not think for one nano second about her.¬† I can’t even begin to describe the euphoria..yes..euphoria.¬†¬†¬† That was Thursday at 4:00 in the afternoon.¬†¬† I have been sad, bitchy, edgy and GUILTY for every hour since Friday am after not sleeping.¬† Why you ask?¬† Because my daughter is sick..because I have no idea where she is or how she is.¬† Because I saw she was online Friday night and Saturday night and know she could see me yet ignored me.¬† Not a word..not a peep..not a sound.¬† It makes me cry again as I write this.¬† So the dog chasing her tail circle continues.¬† The guilt – I’m the mom, she’s an addict and it’s all my fault.¬† OH MY GOD…could someone seriously just put me down now?

How long is enough?¬† How miserable do I need to be before we are even?¬† How long do I need to do penance because I did something – missed something – didn’t do something which is why she is the way she is..which is why she hates me..which is why now, conveniently after the ATM closed down she won’t speak to me.¬†¬†¬† I am not in control.¬† I was an ego maniac to think I did and yet…..Day 5 so far for 3 hours of happy.¬†¬† Happy from doing something I think I could be in love with.¬† An activity that brought me happiness.

Are you as embarrassed for me as I am?   The ratio currently is 6.47 days of misery to .53 days of happy.    Clearly someone is not done with therapy?

Thank you for anyone who is listening.

P.S:¬† My new house in Florida has a swimming pool.¬† I have loved loved loved to swim…only to be punished with swimmers ear!!¬† Seriously???¬† You have to wonder.

I love you Lindsay.¬† I miss you so very much.¬† Can’t you please find your way home?

 

 

 

What would you do or give to get bring someone back? to have on more day?

Have you seen the new shows out right now? ¬†Resurrection – Choices??? ¬†don’t know the name but the bottom line is what would you be willing to do to bring your child back from the dead or someone you loved back to life? ¬† Well I know the answer – ANYTHING. ¬†I would give anything, have given everything, have done anything anyone told me to do and would keep doing it at any cost to get her back. ¬†She is the living dead. ¬† ¬†The television shows are just fantasy and or something you probably dream about if you have buried a child. ¬†For me, a mother of an addict an alcoholic that I cannot seem to reach – who does not want to be clean – I would do anything and the sad thing is it’s killing me. ¬†

I read other blogs and stories of people in recovery and they all say the same thing, they wanted it – they made the decision and they went through hell to get there. ¬†Why doesn’t she want it? ¬†If she had cancer wouldn’t she let me take her to the best cancer doctors in the world to get rid of it – to make her better? ¬†And she knows I would. ¬†So WHY CAN SOMEONE please explain to me why she won’t let me help, why won’t she go to get better and why does she hate me so much for trying? ¬†She is sick – she is my daughter – I love her so much – WHY can’t I get her back? ¬†Why can’t I just let her go? ¬†Why can’t I just let her die? ¬†BECAUSE I am her mother, her mom, her protector and I failed. ¬†I can’t seem to move on without her. ¬†It seems so wrong like I am abandoning her yet didn’t she abandoned me, her sister – herself? ¬† ¬†Is it really evil that has taken her?

I almost think it would be easier if she had cancer or something terminal, we tried every cure possible and she did die.  Then unlike the shows there would truly be nothing else I could do but grieve and choose whether I would go on or not.  With a daughter who is not in recovery, every day you have a chance or you think you do as a mom to save her and every day you lose.  She continues to get closer to death.

It seems hopeless and I just don’t know how to let it go – to let her go. ¬†I love you Lindsay. ¬†I wish you were here. xoxoxo ¬†Mommy

I swear I would not talk about her but once again – it’s all about her ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

When does it finally get to be just about me, about Cal, my youngest daughter. ¬† Cal and I recently made the move to Florida. ¬†It was time for some sun, healing and having a life that belonged to us and about us. ¬†I decided, against my better judgment, to invite what few people we know to a BBQ. ¬† ¬†Cal and I agreed BEFORE they come over, NO talk about the sister’s addiction, the recent failed intervention and subsequent traumatic fall out that followed. ¬†NOPE, just about us, happy time, good times it will not be about her AGAIN.

The first guest arrives, a new girlfriend with a few children, one being Cal’s age so he comes along. ¬†Might be a new friend prospect for her. ¬†10 minutes in what are we talking about…YES THE PRIZE GOES TO, her psychotic drug addicted daughter and my addict/alcoholic daughter, followed with the oddly competitive “who has had it worse, crazier and how much money was lost”.

OMG I wanted to shoot myself. ¬†Is this what the rehab counselor meant about family addiction to the drama? ¬†A year ago I would have said yes about the drama but today, based on my response and Cal’s, we just are not done talking about her, about the hurt, the why and God how I want to hurt her as much as she hurt us but PLEASE why don’t you come back? ¬†I HATE THAT circle. ¬†I love you Lindsay, I miss you so much I cannot breathe some times, I want to hurt you hard, make you suffer the pain that we have over and over again and dammit how can you post funny things on facebook when you know we are suffering so much. ¬†Why doesn’t it bother you? ¬†WHY WON’T YOU LOVE US ENOUGH TO GET SOBER and be a sister – be my daughter. ¬†WHY don’t you LOVE US? ¬†That really is what the bottom line is, why don’t you love us and why did you leave us for a bottle?

Nobody win’s in this circle of crazy. ¬†You have a moment when you do the old “fake” ..fuck her, I don’t need her, thank God she’s gone…we don;t need this shit right back to …God I wonder where she is, why did she leave and why didn’t we fix it?

I love you Lindsay, sissy misses you so much and is back to crying every day wondering why you don’t lover why did you leave her? ¬†I am back to I don’t know what else to do and why do you hate me?

How do we make the pain stop? ¬†How do we make peace with letting her go when we know she’s still here? ¬†Which leads to my next blog – How do we grieve for her when she’s right here?

Goodnight to all.  I love you Lindsay and I hope you are safe tonight.  Mommy xoxoxo

“Hijacked” “to illegally seize” that’s what they told me….I didn’t get it but ….

By definition: ¬†illegally seize (an aircraft, ship, or vehicle) in transit and force it to go to a different destination or use it for one’s own purposes.

The last time I saw her the counselor sat me down and tried to explain. ¬†Lindsay has been “hijacked”. ¬†I nodded, listened but just didn’t get it. ¬†I knew that when she saw me, her dad and her sister she would cave. ¬†She would go back into treatment. ¬†I was prepared!!! ¬†“You don’t go back to treatment” you lose me and your sister. ¬†No calls, no money, no contact and the “ACE” no family.

GUESS WHAT? ¬†She didn’t blink..she didn’t cave, she didn’t care. ¬†She has been HIJACKED. ¬†I was shocked, stunned, pissed off and crushed. ¬†Today, I looked up the definition. What the fuck did they mean, she had been hijacked???? ¬†Seriously? ??? what did that really mean? ¬†Why did I look it up today? ¬†I have no idea. ¬†I still miss her so much. ¬†I take far more sleeping medication boosted by Nyquil than I should and the question repeats over and over. ¬†WHY? ¬†why didn’t that do it? ¬†Why didn’t she go back after 48 days clean and sober FINALLY. ¬†Why did she leave me?

Because, she has been hijacked. ¬†She didn’t plan to go there, she originally didn’t want to go there, but she did. ¬†The opening was there and she was forced into a direction she was not meant. ¬†She was not born to become an addict or alcoholic. ¬†That was not what her dad and I prayed for, longed for and welcomed into our life with more love that I even knew I had. ¬† We didn’t watch Barney with her thinking wow, I can’t wait for her to grow up to kill herself slowly while I watch. ¬†She was hijacked and now, that is where she wants to stay. ¬†It reminds me of Patty Hearst, the Stockholm syndrome. ¬†She decided to say.

My baby, my girl Рshe decided to stay and nothing I do, say or pay for makes her want to come back.  I still want to know why.

I love you still Lindsay. ¬†I miss you so much I can’t breathe. ¬† PLEASE please come back to me – save yourself please.

Love mommy

Those who give the least but get the most….BUT WHAT ABOUT my precious younger daughter….

Callie to Meem To Live Without Sorrow 3 11 14

 

You know what they say about the oxygen leaving the room…well with an addict as a daughter or any member of the family or friend, the addict literally seems to take the oxygen not just from the room, but from you life, your happiness…and everyone else is second.¬† They get the leftovers.¬† Not just in clothing, food, toys, but the younger sibling, my sweet precious Bug gets ignored, put aside and just does not get the attention, love and acknowledgement she so deserves.

SO HERE’S TO YOU BUGGY…You are a true daughter and the love of my life.¬† You have always been joy and pure love and I am so very very sorry it has taken me so long to DARE TO LET GO and live.¬† Live with you, enjoy you and just let you know how much you are loved, how wonderful you are and truly my life would not have been worth living some times if not for you.

And NOW..SEE THE BEAUTY YOU HAVE CREATED…

I ASK ANYONE who follows and anyone who have this kind of love and gift in their lives..take the moment..SEE DID.

Buggy Boo brought this home today for ME from art class.  She took the time AGAIN to think of me and take her love and share it with me.

Thank you Bug.  I love you all the stars, all the heavens, all the moons -all the world  forever.

Meem

The guilt that follows….

I haven’t posted for days. ¬†The guilt set in. ¬†The guilt of talking bad about her. ¬†The guilt that comes with saying the truth that is bad, makes her look bad makes me feel bad. ¬†The guilt that has stopped me for hears. ¬†The guilt that has held me in place – held her in place and destroyed both of us. ¬†It destroyed me financially, it cost me 7 years of my life, did it destroy her? ¬†That what she tells anyone who will listen. ¬†It’s not true – I know that logically, before I cut her off it was her dad’s fault. ¬†Before that it was about the boy who died and before that ………But still, I feel guilty for saying it out loud. ¬†Afraid she will find out…and totally embarrassed and feeling humiliated for saying that out loud. ¬† As I write this am I crazy because it sure looks crazy. ¬†My daughter, my sweetie – the child I prayed for and wanted more than life itself is an addict. ¬†She is not kind, she is not nice and she does not care about me, her sister, her family and most important does not care that she will die soon. ¬†I care now I have cared but still did I care her to death – did I love her to death. ¬†She will die if she does not go back to treatment and I will feel guilt for that. ¬†PLEASE someone tell me..how do I live, how do I have those moments of happiness, laugh and not feel guilt. ¬†Please is there anyone out there who knows the answer?

Love Lindsay mom

The cycle of the “save” aka “maybe this time it will work” aka “this is absolutely the last time………”

As you know from my first post, I was counting the day of the tough love stance just as an addict would count the days they have been sober. ¬†I was proud, agitated, relieved and scared. ¬†LAST night, the phone rings, its a “friend” calling to tell me my beloved is on the street, drunk and “you need to do something”. ¬†Wow, I wish I had thought of that…hmmm do something, you mean something more than the last 14 attempts of treatment, more than the 20 counselors I have sent her too or perhaps more than the 250 thousand dollars I have spent in just the last 4 years, which by the way bankrupted me. ¬†Hmmmm…I should do something. ¬†Well okay I guess I’m back in. ¬†It’s as simple as that. ¬†You know where they are, you have yet another new plan for lock up and hey, what’s another $7500.00 even it is your rent, food and medicine money. ¬†Maybe this time………….