When does it finally get to be just about me, about Cal, my youngest daughter. Cal and I recently made the move to Florida. It was time for some sun, healing and having a life that belonged to us and about us. I decided, against my better judgment, to invite what few people we know to a BBQ. Cal and I agreed BEFORE they come over, NO talk about the sister’s addiction, the recent failed intervention and subsequent traumatic fall out that followed. NOPE, just about us, happy time, good times it will not be about her AGAIN.
The first guest arrives, a new girlfriend with a few children, one being Cal’s age so he comes along. Might be a new friend prospect for her. 10 minutes in what are we talking about…YES THE PRIZE GOES TO, her psychotic drug addicted daughter and my addict/alcoholic daughter, followed with the oddly competitive “who has had it worse, crazier and how much money was lost”.
OMG I wanted to shoot myself. Is this what the rehab counselor meant about family addiction to the drama? A year ago I would have said yes about the drama but today, based on my response and Cal’s, we just are not done talking about her, about the hurt, the why and God how I want to hurt her as much as she hurt us but PLEASE why don’t you come back? I HATE THAT circle. I love you Lindsay, I miss you so much I cannot breathe some times, I want to hurt you hard, make you suffer the pain that we have over and over again and dammit how can you post funny things on facebook when you know we are suffering so much. Why doesn’t it bother you? WHY WON’T YOU LOVE US ENOUGH TO GET SOBER and be a sister – be my daughter. WHY don’t you LOVE US? That really is what the bottom line is, why don’t you love us and why did you leave us for a bottle?
Nobody win’s in this circle of crazy. You have a moment when you do the old “fake” ..fuck her, I don’t need her, thank God she’s gone…we don;t need this shit right back to …God I wonder where she is, why did she leave and why didn’t we fix it?
I love you Lindsay, sissy misses you so much and is back to crying every day wondering why you don’t lover why did you leave her? I am back to I don’t know what else to do and why do you hate me?
How do we make the pain stop? How do we make peace with letting her go when we know she’s still here? Which leads to my next blog – How do we grieve for her when she’s right here?
Goodnight to all. I love you Lindsay and I hope you are safe tonight. Mommy xoxoxo